


Always, Inside

by cool_cbear_g



Category: The Borgias (2011)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-04-24 10:19:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4915807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cool_cbear_g/pseuds/cool_cbear_g
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cesare must leave for university and Lucrezia will do anything to delay that moment</p>
            </blockquote>





	Always, Inside

**Author's Note:**

  * For [50251sid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/50251sid/gifts).



> For Sid, without whose encouragement and belief I would never have dared, with much affection.

‘But I _have_ to go! I _must_! I’ll be good, I promise, Mamma. Truly, I promise.’ Twelve-year-old Lucrezia pressed her mother’s hand to emphasise her words as they tumbled over each other, her breathing quickening into little gasps between the words.

‘My dear, you can’t go. You _know_ this. We have talked about this.’ Vannozza spoke gently to her daughter, aware of how fragile Lucrezia’s emotional state was and hiding her irritation behind the patience in her voice.

‘But I’m clever, Mamma. Everyone says so. I could learn with Cesare. I could help him with _his_ studies.’ Lucrezia’s voice was rising frantically as she spoke, the panic in her tone quickly building to hysteria.

‘Lucrezia, you know your father would never allow it. Cesare must go to university, and he has to go alone.’ Vannozza tried to keep her tone even, although inside she was cursing Rodrigo. He was happily ensconced as Vice-Chancellor at the Vatican, serving the ailing Pope Innocent and avoiding the tearful confrontation as his eldest son prepared to leave for university without his little sister.

Rodrigo had cheerfully bid his son farewell at the family dinner the previous evening. He didn’t like to see Lucrezia upset, and he knew she wouldn’t happily say goodbye to the brother she loved above all else in her world.

‘But if I don’t go, I might _die_ ,’ she wailed, and then Lucrezia burst loudly into tears and hurled herself into her brother’s arms. Cesare staggered slightly at the onslaught, then wrapped his arms round Lucrezia’s small, sobbing frame. Behind him, the horses harnessed into the traces of the cart, which was piled high with everything he would need at Padua, snorted and shifted their positions at the disturbance.

‘Lucrezia, you must stop this and let your brother go.’ Vannozza’s words were lost in the sound of renewed sobs from Lucrezia, who still stood with her arms wrapped round Cesare and her face hidden in the soft leather of his doublet.

Gioffre, who had come into the garden to see his brother off on his journey, took one step back and half a step closer to Vannozza. At ten, he was too old to hide his face in his mother’s skirt, but he still wanted to be as close as he could to the security she offered. His arm slid quietly round her waist as they both watched the slim shoulders of his sister shudder and shake in her anguish. Vannozza, with her arm round Gioffre’s shoulders, hugged her youngest son to her tightly. She knew he would miss his brother too, but wouldn’t make such a scene as this.

Cesare met Vannozza’s gaze and imperceptibly nodded, then gestured with his eyes that she should go back into the villa and take Gioffre. Vannozza tightened her lips then turned, unconsciously elegant in burgundy silk, and shepherded her youngest son back inside. Neither spoke a word, and Gioffre knew better than to ask questions.

Cesare turned slightly, still with Lucrezia burrowed into his chest, and sat on the stone bench at the edge of the fountain, taking Lucrezia’s shaking body with him.

‘Lucrezia. Lucrezia, stop. Stop crying and look at me.’ Cesare’s voice was low and soothing. He had dealt with his sister’s tears all her life, and he knew this was going to take some time. He moved a little to make himself more comfortable and took hold of one of his sister’s small hands in his own.

‘Lucrezia,’ he whispered, lowering his head so his mouth was very near Lucrezia’s ear. ‘Lucrezia, my love. Hush now and look at me.’

Lucrezia shook her head into his chest, although the sound of her sobs subsided a little. The sobs were now interspaced with gulps and shuddering breaths, and Cesare knew that the storm of emotion was starting to subside.

‘If you won’t look at me, my love, then listen. You know I have to go. You have known for a while that I must.’

Lucrezia squirmed her body more closely into Cesare’s embrace, as if she would crawl under his skin if she could, as if close was never close enough. Cesare tightened his hold to reassure her that he also wanted to be close.

‘I want - to come – with - you,’ Lucrezia breathed, still not raising her eyes, and her voice almost inaudible between the great jerking breaths that shuddered through her slight frame.

‘I know you do. And I don’t know how I’m going to manage, with you not being there. But, Lucrezia, you know I must go without you!’

Lucrezia began to cry again, but not the loud, theatrical sobbing of before. She wept quietly, keening low in her throat as if the whole world was ending.

For her, it was.

Cesare shifted her in his arms as if she was weightless, gathering her into his lap and starting to rock her in her misery. He made soothing noises into her hair, whispers that told her how much he loved her, and how much he would miss her while he was away.

‘I promise to write to you, my love. Letters _just_ for you. At the very least every week, more if I have the time.’ He rocked her in time with his words as if she was a baby, keeping his voice low and the tone regular. ‘Promise you will write back.’

Lucrezia silently nodded into his damp shirt, soaked with her stormy tears. Feeling the moist fabric against his skin, Cesare realised Lucrezia had stealthily undone the clasps of his doublet so she could feel the warmth of his body as she wept. He smiled to himself; touch had always been important to his little sister.

‘You must tell me everything you are doing, everyone you see. When I come back, I shall never have to leave Rome again. Never have to leave _you_.’ Cesare closed his eyes and swallowed at the lie, hoping that Lucrezia was too preoccupied with her own misery to hear the catch in his voice.

He knew that, once he was serving his father in the Vatican, Rodrigo would send him anywhere he needed him, regardless of who he upset. Cesare also knew that it would be Lucrezia who went away next, when she married. He doubted anyone living near Rome was important enough to suit his father’s ambition. He felt Lucrezia nod against his chest as her weeping began to subside and her breathing quieted.

‘And you must promise _not_ to die!’ Cesare’s mouth quirked in a small smile as he said the words, but he kept his voice level. He didn’t want Lucrezia to think he was mocking her.

‘I promise to **try** ,’ she whispered, giving a huge sniff. Cesare drew back slightly, letting go of Lucrezia’s hand and putting his finger under her chin to lift her face from his chest.

‘You must do more than try, my love.’ He bent his head and rubbed his nose on hers. ‘I need to know you are well, and happy. Or **I** might die!’

Lucrezia looked at him in horror. ‘You must **not!** ’ she whispered, her huge blue eyes filling with more tears. She placed her hand silently over his heart, and felt the reassuring thump-thump of the beat though his shirt.

‘Neither of us will die, Lucrezia. I will come back to you.’ Cesare smiled and placed his own hand over her stiffly embroidered bodice where her heart was. ‘But when you miss me too much, my love, I am here.’ He tapped her chest gently with his finger. ‘I am always here, safe inside your heart, as you are in mine.’

Lucrezia gazed at his hand over her heart, and then at hers covering his own. She looked up at him, blue eyes to hazel, and nodded solemnly.

‘You will always be inside my heart, Cesare. And I will always be inside yours. Always.’

‘Always, my love.’

His stomach clenched as he realised the truth of her words, and as his throat suddenly thickened, he bent his head into her hair so she wouldn’t see his tears; he would still have to leave her. He could still feel the trembling of her body as her sobs finally subsided, and the tickle of her fingers through his shirt as she absently played with the clasps on his doublet, happy that she had delayed his departure even for a few moments more.

The truth of their situation swept through his brain like a thunderbolt – they would belong to each other forever, and everyone else faded into insignificance. When he had finished his education, he would do his utmost to ensure, regardless of the consequences, that he never had to leave her again.

 


End file.
